Miserable, But Laughing On The Inside

Today was an interesting day. Interesting in the same way that a throbbing haemorrhoid is interesting. As I awoke this morning, far too tired to be able to regulate my mood without a mass amount of liquid vitality (coffee) – I prepared to start off my day by driving a friend to work.

It’s also important to note that I’ve been suffering from an illness for the past few days and it’s been getting progressively worse. I awoke in the morning with a runny nose, scratchy throat and a delightful amount of phlegm in the back of my throat. Delightful like a hard kick to the scrotum.

As the poster boy for all of those who hate the mornings, I miserably took the wheel of my vehicle and set off only to hear a disturbing creaking noise coming from the rear. I was perturbed by this, yet we had no time to investigate. I turned up the radio and we carried on.

Caffeine was acquired and the road trip progressed, I did everything possible to ignore the subtle sounds of squeaking behind me, especially as we passed over each bump upon the road.

My friend was in one of those moods that are detested by those who hate the mornings. She was happy. It made me miserable. She talked gleefully and I turned up the radio.

After I dropped her off, I returned home and finally, outside in the rain I crawled down underneath my vehicle only to find that the tailpipe of my muffler had broken off and was dangling at the back of my SUV. I looked up to the heavens as the rain beat on my face and I wanted to ask God why he’d forsaken me, but then I remembered that I’m an atheist. I walked inside. I drank more coffee.

I spent the morning mostly messing around on my computer. I was taking care of a few things that I had been neglecting to do for a while on my blog, my email and with my University applications. I also organized an appointment for my car repair and I had even accepted an offer from a University which felt good. I even walked over to my local drug store and picked up some meds to help neutralize these cold symptoms.

“Maybe things are finally starting to look up”, I wondered as I skipped down the road back towards my home, jumping up and clicking my heels together in celebration.

Alright, I’m being dramatic. I still wasn’t that lively. I still felt like a worn out pair of underwear. My emotional fabric had worn thin from too much contact with dicks and assholes and all of the shit that I’d encountered. This illness made me too cynical to try and be positive, yet ultimately, I felt particularly confident and nothing really bothered me. I was just kind of blah and dead inside but doing just fine. I drank more coffee.

Now it was about this time that I decided it would be a good idea to reply to an important email that I had received a few weeks back. I had taken my time in replying to this particular email because it required that I printed off a PDF type form and sign this form, then return it to the sender. Yet, because I had no printer available I just continued to postpone this reply.

However, I had a wonderful idea, that perhaps if I just downloaded a PDF editor from off of a pirated software website, then perhaps I could just sign the form online and send it back immediately. So I tried this and downloaded the most popular PDF editor from the most reputable pirating website that I knew of.

I drank the rest of my pot of coffee and had some leftover food from the fridge.

I opened the file and WHAM! I knew something had gone wrong because random programs were installing themselves on my computer without my permission; Applications were opening themselves up and clicking sounds could be heard in the background. My favourite laptop was turning into an unusable heap of viruses before my very eyes.

I quickly shut it down and turned it back on. The screen went black. I called a computer technician that seemed reputable online and decided that I would suck it up and drive it over to him as soon as possible since this laptop was rather important to me.

I drove my broken laptop to this computer repair technician in my broken car with my muffler creaking and vibrating loudly everywhere I went, dangling around at the back of my vehicle. I left my computer in his capable hands and took the drive of shame back home.

Now I’m not always a miserable sack of shit like I have been today, and in fact, I even appreciate the humour in the misery because things could always be worse. Yet today was a nuanced masterpiece of both the good and bad things that really sum up life for me, and I appreciate that. I appreciate these days that make me feel alive even if it’s only because I feel like garbage with just a sprinkle of those finer things in life. Those joys. Happy people that make me angry when I’m grumpy. My ability to drive. The fact that I can write. The fact that I have dreams for my future. The fact that these little irksome bothers that have happened to me today never really managed to pierce my skin. I grumble at them, and I let them go.

Today was a good day.